Hello, and happy Monday to all of you, my fellow co-workers! It is I, your humble and frankly heroic resident secretary and office supplies purchaser. I can hear you all now, sitting in your varied offices and semi-offices (management has decided that ‘cubicle’ has too much of a negative stigma attached and is therefore bad for workspace morale. Do you not all feel much better, if it applies to you, now that you know you live and work day to day from a semi-office?), asking me—why, if you are so very humble, why mention your obvious heroism? An excellent question, I preemptively shall reply to each and every one of you. An excellent question indeed.
It all began, you see, last Thursday, towards the end of the workday. Our grand and most high office location manager was wrapping up his duties as grand and most high office manager when he was struck by sudden inspiration from the celestial chorus that accompanies every grand and most high office manager—there was likely one last cup of coffee to be had in the break room! (Coffee, I might add, prepared and refreshed by yours truly throughout the day). With great enthusiasm, he pushed back from his desk and—crackSLAM! He found himself toppled over in a great crash of dignity and graceful aplomb, a veritable pile of well-pressed suit and shined shoes somehow now above his head on the floor. For those of you who were still present in our shining example of a workplace, you know what inspired things he had to say for the next three or so minutes (approximately the amount of time it took for him to untangle himself from his chair and the floor). For those of you not present, please linger in the break room around eleven. I’ll be making a new pot of coffee.
The reason our grand and most high office location manager fell, you all ask? Let me tell you. It was his treacherous chair mat! Like Hamlet’s uncle, this deceitful chair mat lingered close to home, being generally useful and benign until the very last moment, at which point it deliberately and maliciously cracked right down the middle and cast out dear leader down and out onto the cruel, cruel, rarely-vacuumed floor.
Well. This simply would not do. In the midst of his most dignified suffering and raging against the injustice of a cracked chair mat, our most wise and benevolent leader gave me, your heroic office secretary, permission to order the whole office new chair mats, so that none may suffer as he has suffered. Oh, what an honor! What privilege! I took it upon myself to do thorough and meticulous research into the matter, which is exactly how I discovered the wonder that is glass chair mats. They shall never break! Never throw any one of you, my family away from home, onto poorly vacuumed floors! They are far superior to the awful plastic all of you now currently know and deliberately ignore.
Thus, I have taken the liberty to order each and every one of you a custom-shaped, perfectly sized office glass chair mat. They shall be arriving within the week, so please take care to tidy your offices or semi-offices for ease of installation.
With love, your secretary.